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My house (which I share with three roomates) is a disgusting, festering, flaming heap of fecal matter freshly squeezed from the ass sphincter of Great Dane..... On the way to get my cheerios this morning I stumbled over something jutting out from someplace near the washing machine. I don't know what it was because my eyes weren't open enough to see yet. So, I got my cheerios and and as I ate them, the ants that had infested my kitchen, cheered and sang "We are the champions" while wrestling me for my spoon. Unable to eat my crunchy friends (and don't ask how I know that they are crunchy) that were now using my cereal bowl as a swimming pool, I made an attempt to approach the garbage to scrape away the remnants of my "breakfast". On approaching the garbage pail, I was struck by an unwholesome miasma (wicked stench), which gave me nerve cramps in my spine. So, I decided to avoid permanent nerve damage and dump my ant broth somplace less toxic, the crapper...... Well, now that "breakfast" had run its lackluster course, completely devoid of any pleasure that it could have been, I strolled upstairs to take a shower. Upon arriving at the shower I noticed that I had harvested a rather exotic dust bunny collection between my toes. (No doubt they grew to maturity in the filth on our stairs) I shrugged off the bunnies as a regular occurance and jumped into the shower. When I turned on the shower, the hot, revitalizing water flowed over me, finally waking me up. As that happened I noticed the waters had brought new life and vigor to my colony of dust bunnies. They were gleefully swirling around the tub, in herds, grazing on the lush fields of green algae..... So, then on to getting dressed for work. I strolled into my bedroom and left the dust bunnies behind to prance on their own. I threw off my towel just as a sub zero breeze whipped in through my creeky, non-calked, 30 year old, rickety window, which was fully closed. The coolness of the breeze was so intense that it left me with such a severve case of shrinkage that I later had to coax my penis out from where it lay snuggled up next to my small intestine for warmth. I expedited the getting dressed process in hopes of completing before certain extremities decided to hibernate for the rest of the winter. Well, I was late. I bolted down my stairs to the front door. Shot through the door, slammed it behind me and shot towards my car. As I was running to my car I heard the gravelly voice of an old jewish man named Saul coming from my house. I turned to see what was going on. And the house was swaying a bit and then it looked at me and said, "Oy Vey! why so rough with the door?" That is when I decided that it was sufficiently past time to move out. Point of clarification: I have never, nor will I ever use any illegal or hallucinatory substances. |